The hospital

My mom is leaving tomorrow and I am so, so sad. I know it is going to be very hard without her and I wish that we didn't live on different continents. She has been such a support for me during these past 18 days and I feel so much better about everything.

I finally feel good enough to write just a little bit about how hard it was to go back to the hospital with Theo when he had the high bilirubin levels and jaundice.

We hear so much about attachment parenting nowadays, and how it is vital for your child and baby to feel close to you and loved and supported by you. Even if you don't follow attachment parenting, chances are good that in the first weeks the baby is being carried and held by you most of the time.You know these first days are important.

So you can maybe imagine what it is like to see your 5 day old child like this.


He is screaming at the top of his lungs, clawing at the eye mask on his face, hitting his hand with the infusion against the plastic, and all you can do is stick your arms in little slots trying to calm him by touching his hot and sweaty body. You do get to take him out every two hours to breastfeed him, change his diaper, and take his temperature; but then you have to put him back the whole time never seeing his eyes.

Every day different doctors come and ask questions which have already been asked by others. Different nurses come to take blood and you hear your baby really cry every morning. Every day you hope will be the day that he will be released so that you can at least spend Easter weekend at home, but even though his levels go down they also go back up and the breastfeeding doesn't seem to be working as his weight keeps dropping.

You spend Easter weekend in the hospital with your son no longer under the lights but still not allowed to go home.

Finally on the Monday after Easter you get to go home with the knowledge that his levels will be tested again and if they have gone up he will have to be readmitted.
You're terrified, and exhausted, but just so thankful to go home.

Thankfully 8 weeks later you are looking at a 9 week old boy who is starting to smile more and more often and the time is almost forgotten. But not quite.